Got it

I've been quite busy recently with caring for my sick self and also going for a job interview. This was going to be my last attempt at getting into pathology training. If I failed this interview, I planned to pursue another field of specialty.

Nonetheless, qadr Allah I got the job. I was in between believing it and not believing it when I received the phone call saying that I got the job. Alhamdulillah. I prayed that Allah give me whatever is best for me and family and I hope this is.

Before the interview I was really torn. I didn't know what I wanted. I wanted the job because it would help me pay our debts and get out of riba' and also because it would mean I no longer have to work in a patient-hospital setting any longer. Half of me also hoped that I didn't get it so I could stay at home and take care of my baby. Every time I looked at my baby's face I felt like I didn't want the job. Every time I looked at looming interest rates I hoped I got the job.

So I put my reliance on Allah, since I didn't know what I wanted and certainly didn't know what would be best for me and my loved ones. I did my very best for the interview but felt ambivalent to whether I would get the job or not. I prepared myself to feel equally the same either way.

Since getting the offer, I have still not received a start date yet. It has been putting us in a bit of a limbo. On one hand it could be as soon as next week. On the other hand, it might not be until next month. I have been trying to look for childcare options for the past week. It has been very stressful.

Option 1: full time childcare for Thauban and before and after school care for Layth
Total cost: $3000 a month! *faint*
Pros: can still maintain privacy in our own home, professional care for my children
Cons: very expensive, potential of EBM supply finishing and carer might have to give formula if not enough given to carer, Layth doesn't like the idea of going to a centre before and after school (he cried yesterday when I explained it to him), I would still need to find someone to help clean the house, time consuming (having to send them and pick them up every day), Layth will miss swimming classes because no one can send him to it

Challenges: to find vacancies- I called over 15 childcare centres and all of them were full for the next 2 years. The only vacancy I found was a family day care centre (carer takes care of children in her home). Good thing is that she is a Muslim. As for the before and after care, there is a vacancy for Layth but the centre is kinda messy.

Option 2: Live in babysitters for both of them
Total cost: $1800 + hidden costs incalculable costs such as more food and electricity/water usage
Pros: Baby doesn't need to leave the house, they can always access EBM supply from the freezer if more is needed, my house will be clean and laundry managed, cheaper and value for money, one of them can send Layth to wherever he needs to go, they can do Islamic activities with Layth like mengaji or hafazan
Cons: Lack of privacy, have to change people every 3 months when their visa expires and no one so far has wanted to stay for more than 3 months anyway. We also have to buy a second car then, because we can't fit everyone in one car and if I'm using the car to drive to work, then the helper needs another car to chauffeur Layth around. (Hubby uses the scooter)

Challenges: to find someone who can come for 3 months, has good attitudes and trustworthy. Most of them want to come but are unable to stay the whole 3 months because of graduation ceremonies, exams and all that. I don't want someone who is totally uneducated or naive because she has to travel all the way here and I dont' want her to get lost or something like that! Those who applied I looked through their Facebook photos. Some I didn't like or made me felt put off. Some said they could come but cancelled at the last minute. All sorts of problems.

Nevertheless so far our choice is the second one. But there is always the first choice if the plan doesn't fall through inshaAllah.

I hope this will work out for the best.