Same old

I feel so old sometimes when I look back at the years and remember the bitter feud that I once had with a group of people. Certainly now I am on “friendly” terms with everyone (even if we are not friends). I think being older makes one more mellow and eager to let go of old grudges.

I look at the younger generation now arguing and debating over differences of opinion and think “I’ve been there and done that—wish I hadn’t”. Since then I have been fortunate to enter another circle and gain opportunities to deepen my Islamic knowledge and teach others. I find that the more you know, the more scared you are to talk or give an opinion. And you wish that you had not talked too much while you were still quite ignorant (but thinking you had so much knowledge) and held your tongue for now you must be responsible for what you have said in the past.

Now I steer away from arguments – if someone has a different opinion to mine; so be it. It is a waste of time and energy to debate over something that could have many different answers. As long as the opinion does not go against sound aqidah and good manners, then I will not reject it. Too many people get easily riled these days. They are defensive about their opinions or what they think is right. Of course, everyone thinks they are right or better than others. The worse thing is that (most of) the people who like to debate have no clue about the manners of debating. Poor manners make a debate useless because personalities and groups are criticized rather than the opinion itself. To make matters worse, people have started to use social networks as their soapbox. It is quite annoying.

The way I live my life may be objectionable to some. I do not attend regular weekly halaqa or contribute physically to or volunteer with any da’wah movements. I do not belong per se to any da’wah organization yet. (Refer to first paragraph for the reason).

But I am happy with my life. I have my weekly Islamic studies- I study with proper teachers and Shuyukh. I contribute to da’wah organisations and Muslim charities financially and academically. I homeschool my son in Islamic subjects. I teach a small group of women online. I pay my zakah to da’wah organisations. I wear hijab to work and talk about Islam to some of my patients. Sure, none of them have ever embraced Islam but that is not for me to decide.

Yet I find some people still judgmental just because I do not formally work with certain da’wah organisations. It doesn’t matter to them that whatever contribution we make if done with sincerity gains rewards too. In the days of the Prophet SAW, not all the companions used to sit with the Prophet and learnt from him. Some had to work. Some had to travel. Some could not contribute physically but could contribute financially. Not all the companions were sent to different towns as callers or teachers. Some were businessmen, farmers toiling in the field, shepherds. Not all of them could attend a knowledge gathering; or even congregational prayer. Not all the companions went for war. Some stayed back and kept the knowledge alive.

I find growing old(er) quite peaceful. It takes more to provoke you. It takes more to make you break down and cry. Things that used to annoy, bother or anger you don’t affect you that much as it had when you were younger. Things that used to be major now seem petty and minor.